Family Fun/Family Fun.iso/joke1/jokes_l/lightbul.jok

Text File | 1992-01-07 | 11KB | 288 lines

Article 1276 of eunet.jokes:
Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!enea!mcvax!dik
From: [e-mail] (Dik T. Winter)
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
Subject: Re: 100k.jokes, or canonical lightbulbs joke list
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 5 Nov 88 22:29:00 GMT
Distribution: eunet
Organization: CWI, Amsterdam
Lines: 274

There have been many requests for a canonical list of lightbulb jokes.
Well, the referenced article (100k jokes) contained such a list,
probably from rec.humor.  However, it was incomplete.  So as a service
to the European readers, in this article you will find a few additions
to it.  Below you will find a shell archive; feed that to the shell
(/bin/sh), this will extract two files: extract and Patch01.  Next
execute extract and supply, as a parameter, the article were you saved
the long list of jokes.  This will extract the lightbulb jokes and
write them to the file lightbulbs.  Next, if you have patch, just
give the command
    patch <Patch01
and you're set.  If you do not have patch, the best thing to do is
to obtain it.  Otherwise you have to apply the differences as shown
in Patch01 yourself.  One of the added jokes came from eunet.jokes;
the others came from net.jokes.  (Yes, before the time of rec.humor.)
---
dik t. winter, cwi, amsterdam, nederland
INTERNET   : [e-mail]
BITNET/EARN: dik@mcvax
--------------------------------- cut here ------------------------------------
#! /bin/sh
# This is a shell archive, meaning:
# 1. Remove everything above the #! /bin/sh line.
# 2. Save the resulting text in a file.
# 3. Execute the file with /bin/sh (not csh) to create:
#    extract
#    Patch01
# This archive created: Sat Nov  5 23:14:10 1988
export PATH; PATH=/bin:/usr/bin:$PATH
echo shar: "extracting 'extract'" '(379 characters)'
if test -f 'extract'
then
    echo shar: "will not over-write existing file 'extract'"
else
sed 's/^X//' << \SHAR_EOF > 'extract'
X#! /bin/sh
Xif test $# -lt 1
Xthen
X    echo Please supply a filename.
X    exit
Xfi
Xif test ! -f $1
Xthen
X    echo Original file not found.
X    exit
Xfi
Xif test -f lightbulbs
Xthen
X    echo You have already a file lightbulbs\; please rename or remove it first.
X    exit
Xfi
Xed $1 <<'EOF'
X/bloody Nun again/
X1,+d
X/^How many real men does it take to cross a river/
X.,$d
Xw lightbulbs
Xq
XEOF
SHAR_EOF
if test 379 -ne "`wc -c < 'extract'`"
then
    echo shar: "error transmitting 'extract'" '(should have been 379 characters)'
fi
chmod +x 'extract'
fi
echo shar: "extracting 'Patch01'" '(7647 characters)'
if test -f 'Patch01'
then
    echo shar: "will not over-write existing file 'Patch01'"
else
sed 's/^X//' << \SHAR_EOF > 'Patch01'
X*** lightbulbs.orig    Sat Nov  5 23:06:27 1988
X--- lightbulbs    Sat Nov  5 23:06:42 1988
X***************
X*** 4,9 ****
X--- 4,83 ----
X  How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  Only one.  They don't like to share the spotlight.
X
X+ How many AI people does it take to change a lightbulb?
X+ At least 55:
X+   The problem space group (5):
X+      One to define the goal state.
X+      One to define the operators.
X+      One to describe the universal problem solver.
X+      One to hack the production system.
X+      One to indicate about how it is a model of human lightbulb changing
X+      behaviour.
X+   The logical formalism group (16):
X+      One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic.
X+      One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logic.
X+      One to show the adequacy of FOL.
X+      One to show the inadequacy of FOL.
X+      One to show that lightbulb logic is non-monotonic.
X+      One to show that it isn't non-monotonic.
X+      One to show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL.
X+      One to determine the bindings for the variables.
X+      One to show the completeness of the solution.
X+      One to show the consistency of the solution.
X+      One to show that the two just above are incoherent.
X+      One to hack a theorem prover for lightbulb resolution.
X+      One to suggest a parallel theory of lightbulb logic theorem proving.
X+      One to show that the parallel theory isn't complete. ...ad infinitum
X+      (or absurdum, as you will). ...
X+      One to indicate how it is a description of human lightbulb changing
X+      behaviour.
X+      One to call the electrician.
X+   The robotics group (10):
X+      One to build a vision system to recognize the dead bulb.
X+      One to build a vision system to locate a new bulb.
X+      One to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it.
X+      One to figure out how to make a universal joint that will permit the
X+      hand to rotate 360+ degrees.
X+      One to figure out how to make the universal joint go the other way.
X+      One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to the socket.
X+      One to organize the construction teams.
X+      One to hack the planning system.
X+      One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the research.
X+      One to indicate about how the robot mimics human motor behaviour in
X+      lightbulb changing.
X+   The knowledge engineering group (6):
X+      One to study electricians' changing lightbulbs.
X+      One to arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines.
X+      One to assure the customer that this is a hard problem and that great
X+      accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this effort.
X+      (The same one can arrange for the fleecing.)
X+      One to study related research.
X+      One to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb
X+      changing behaviour.
X+      One to call the lisp hackers.
X+   The Lisp hackers (13):
X+      One to bring up the chaos net.
X+      One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the group's political
X+      beliefs.
X+      One to fix the compiler.
X+      One to make incompatible changes to the primitives.
X+      One to provide the Coke.
X+      One to rehack the Lisp editor/debugger.
X+      One to rehack the window package.
X+      Another to fix the compiler.
X+      One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp dialect.
X+      Another to rehack the window package properly.
X+      One to flame on BUG-LISPM.
X+      Another to fix the microcode.
X+      One to write the fifteen lines of code required to change the lightbulb.
X+   The Psychological group (5):
X+      One to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance.
X+      One to gather and run subjects.
X+      One to mathematically model the behaviour.
X+      One to call the expert systems group.
X+      One to adjust the resulting system, so that it drops the right number
X+      of bulbs.
X+
X  How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  1)  One.
X  2)  Two.  One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in
X***************
X*** 59,64 ****
X--- 133,141 ----
X  pending resolution of some action items.  It will be continued next week.
X  Meanwhile...
X
X+ How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
X+ None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
X+
X  How many brewers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  One third less than for a regular bulb.
X
X***************
X*** 106,111 ****
X--- 183,192 ----
X  How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  Three.  But they're really only one.
X
X+ How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
X+ None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
X+ go back on.
X+
X  How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
X  45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
X
X***************
X*** 142,147 ****
X--- 223,231 ----
X  light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator
X  to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
X
X+ How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
X+ As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
X+
X  How many DEC employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change.
X  1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
X***************
X*** 222,227 ****
X--- 306,315 ----
X  Two.  One to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to
X  the old bulb.
X
X+ How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
X+ a light bulb?
X+ Many hands make light work.
X+
X  How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
X  None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
X
X***************
X*** 646,651 ****
X--- 734,742 ----
X  1)  None.  The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
X  2)  Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
X
X+ How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
X+ ---- You should have hit "n"!
X+
X  How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  How many do you think it takes?
X
X***************
X*** 654,659 ****
X--- 745,753 ----
X  2)  Two.  One to screw in the light bulb and the other to smash the old one on
X      his forehead.
X
X+ How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X+ At least three.
X+
X  How many Radcliffe girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  It's "Women", and it's not funny!
X
X***************
X*** 705,710 ****
X--- 799,808 ----
X  How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  Two.  One to screw it in, and another to repent.
X
X+ How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X+ 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
X+ the ship out of disgrace.
X+
X  How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  That's a military secret.
X
X***************
X*** 749,755 ****
X
X
X  How many supply-siders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X! None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
X
X  How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  Two.  One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
X--- 847,854 ----
X
X
X  How many supply-siders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X! 1) None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
X! 2) None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
X
X  How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
X  Two.  One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
SHAR_EOF
if test 7647 -ne "`wc -c < 'Patch01'`"
then
    echo shar: "error transmitting 'Patch01'" '(should have been 7647 characters)'
fi
fi
exit 0
#    End of shell archive
--
dik t. winter, cwi, amsterdam, nederland
INTERNET   : [e-mail]
BITNET/EARN: dik@mcvax